Hi there Tampa. It’s us. Arizona.
How are things? Still making the Evening News for all the wrong reasons? Still giving comedians everywhere a daily punchline? Still the laughing stock of your sports region? Yep. Same here. And we think it’s about time you stopped getting pushed around within your MLB and NFL playgrounds by meaner, tougher, bigger brothers like Boston and New Orleans.
Yeah. We’ve been there. Trust us. We feel your pain. Here’s the thing though, if you’re ever going to show up one of those bullies, if you’re ever going to stare them down from across the cafeteria, if you’re ever going to stick gum in Drew Brees’ hair instead of the other way around; this Sunday is the day. Because if your Tampa Bay Buccaneers somehow beat The New Orleans Saints that means one thing. They don’t get in the playoffs and The Arizona Cardinals get to go to the dance instead. Yes, there’s a whole pesky thing about us having to defeat The San Francisco 49ers first, but lets focus on what’s important. You’ve got some Saint smashing to do!
So without further ado allow me to present you with THE TOP 5 REASONS TO WIN FOR THE CARDINALS!
1. YOUR QUARTERBACK LOOKS LIKE HE WAS BORN IN ARIZONA
Just look at that redneck jaw (or lack thereof). Stare into those piercing, slightly too close together eyes. Why it’s as if Mike Glennon was cleaning my windshield at the Circle K on Indian School and Central Ave this morning. Look at you son! You gots yourself a job. Yeehaw!!!
2. BECAUSE GREAT DEFENSES SHOULD STICK TOGETHER
Or at least good defenses should help out great defenses. Look Tampa, your defense is no joke. Especially when you’re a league leader in turnovers. And our defense is… well, you know. They’re great. You wouldn’t want to deny players like John Abraham, Karlos Dansby, Calais Campbell, Darnell Dockett and Daryl Washington another shot at putting Russell Wilson’s dump truck in the dirt would you? I didn’t think so.