Top 5 Ways To Survive The Off-Season For Arizona Cardinals Fans
Mandatory Credit: Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports
You’re empty inside. You’re sitting on your couch wondering what to do. Maybe you actually do have something to do but what you really want is to catch up on all the latest NFL news on the NFL Channel. So you click over, eager for some tender morsels of insight to what your team has planned for 2014. You’d even taker some gossipy rumors about your favorite players or better yet the players you hate the most. And once the program comes back from commercial break, after trying to sell you on the Super Bowl 48 Seattle Seahawks Gift Set (NO THANK YOU), you find… a Top 10 Show. No!!!
Has it sunk in yet? It’s that time of year. NOTHING is happening for the Arizona Cardinals. Especially this year. We don’t even have the annual “who are the Cards going to use their franchise tag on” talk to look forward to. Nope. Apparently the front office believes there’s no reason to use it on anybody. Which is nice. Nobody likes a long dragged out contract negotiation. Unless of course you’re me and love the intricacies of player contracts and the heat of the back and forth barter battle that is NFL Agent maneuvering.
So the question begs, “What now?” Well, don’t worry Cardinals faithful! I’ve got ya covered. Introducing the Top 5 Ways To Survive The Off-Season For Arizona Cardinals Fans!
Cam newton surely losing to Teddy Bridgewater because, let’s face it, Newton can’t beat ANY Cardinals. Mandatory. Credit: Joe Camporeale-USA TODAY Sports
1) PLAY MADDEN
I know some of you may be thinking, “Madden? The video game? Look pal, I’m an adult. I don’t have time to sit on the couch and just.. play games.” Oh really smart guy? How many hours of House of Cards or Breaking Bad reruns or Walking Dead episodes did you watch this week? Yeah, something tells me you got plenty of time. Now, here’s why this is a great idea.
Madden used to be fun. It also used to be just another sports video game. But now? Oh it’s something else entirely. Since 2003 we’ve been able to go online and pit our skills against other people playing the game. Which means that you can play as the Arizona Cardinals and mercilessly ruin the day of an actual San Francisco 49ers fan. And if your wife has a problem with you playing remind her that there’s really no difference between playing Madden and playing an intellectual game of Chess with a fellow adult over the internet. If she buys that, you’ve got a keeper. Or a very gullible wife. Either way, well done.
There’s Larry dreaming of another vacation. Mandatory Credit: Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports
2) FOLLOW LARRY FITZGERALD ON TWITTER
I’m sorry. I meant follow @LarryFitzgerald on twitter. Why? Because due to the technology Gods giving us the internet we mere mortals now get to follow a super star like Fitz all over the globe. And boy does this dude trot on this here globe. He seems to be everywhere, taking in the sites, golfing, hiking and just in general being the all around great guy that he is. The only problem with Larry treating the world like an Indiana Jones map jumping scene interstitial is you might start to worry that our number one player is going to perish suddenly in a plane crash.
Stay safe Larry! We need you!
She just refuses to return my calls. She’s playing hard to get. It’s fine. Mandatory Credit: Jennifer Hilderbrand-USA TODAY Sports
3) UM… THE BEST OF ARIZONA CARDINALS CHEERLEADERS VIDEO
Nothing reminds you how much you love your team like gorgeous Arizona girls dancing in red and white. In fact, just about anything is better with gorgeous Arizona girls dancing in red and white. Dreading doing your taxes this year? No problem. While you’re figuring out your refund, watch some gorgeous Arizona girls dancing in red and white. Stuck in traffic on the 101 at rush hour? You know the Cardinals have a mobile site where you can… you got it, watch some gorgeous Arizona girls dancing in red and white.
Yes, just about anything is possible with these ladies in your back pocket.
Oh right! Cooper is gonna be back in 2014. WE GOT THIS!!! Mandatory Credit: Jerry Lai-USA TODAY Sports
4) GET WAY TOO INTO THE DRAFT
Look, I’m not going to judge you. That’s for the rest of society. The NFL has successfully made the NFL Draft a spectacle and has garnered more and more attention from fans each year. Mock Drafts are dreamt up and thrown around the internet more frequently than pics of Miley Cyrus sticking her tongue out and winking. Okay maybe not that much but you see what I’m getting at!
This one isn’t for me but I know that people love it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to be following the draft. And once the Cardinals take their players I’m going to be googling every possible statistic known to man that will even remotely give me an idea of what that player will do for the team. That is definitely going to happen. What won’t happen is me being obsessed before the draft. I happen to know my limitations and one of them is predicting what Steve Keim is thinking. I have no idea what’s going on in that bald dome and I am just fine with it!
5) GET TO KNOW YOUR FAMILY
Look, they love you. They want you to be a part of their life. And unless you’re Bruce Arians or Steve Keim you shouldn’t be obsessing over the Cardinals between the months of February and August. At least that’s what my wife tells me. But what does she know? She’s a New England Patriots fan. She has no idea what it’s like bleeding Cardinal Red!
So that’s it. Get out there and count the days until the Preseason. I know I will be. Until next time, stay ornery Arizona.