TV Dinner: NFL Power Rankings


Now that we are halfway through the season for some and some about to hit the halfway mark in Week 8 this weekend, I thought I would take some time to put out my current power rankings with a twist.  If each team were a current (or former if a current doesn’t fit) television show, which show would they be?

1. New Orleans Saints – No one wins in the Saints house.  Just as no one wins with (Dr.) House on Fox.  He and the Saints have something in common, they are both stubborn, but seem to get it right most of the time.  They have now reached 7-0 for the second time in franchise history after a 35-27 beat down of the Atlanta Falcons at home.

2. Indianapolis Colts – Also at 7-0, almost lost this past weekend to San Francisco but Joseph Addai saved them.  He was their Superman, though this was no trip to Smallville.

3. Minnesota Vikings – They are 7-1.  The beat Green Bay at Lambeau.  Jared Allen is a stud.  That’s all I’m saying.  Enough coverage.  Tired of hearing about their quarterback?  Me too.  Let’s talk V, the next over-hyped thing on TV.

4. Pittsburgh Steelers – Big Ben has the Steelers riding a four-game winning streak into Denver.  They seem to be forgotten after losses to Chicago and Cincinnati, but they’re back.  Not sure what will become of them, kind of like the cast of Lost.

5. New England Patriots – Tom Brady is back and so are the Patriots.  Right now, they look unbeatable and Tom Brady could end up being one of the Heroes that returns the Patriots to greatness.

6. Denver Broncos – A tough loss in Baltimore.  It was really never close, but tough since it was their first loss and to a good team.  There are those that believe Denver is still not real even after wins against the Cowboys and Patriots earlier this season.  Beating Pittsburgh Monday night goes a long way in silencing remaining doubters.  You could almost say the Broncos have been winning this season Accidentally on Purpose.

7. Baltimore Ravens – Improved in my mind by beating Denver handily.  Ray Lewis has cost his team some penalty yards this season, but he continues to prove his dominance.  He’s the Ravens True Blood.

8. New York Giants – Who are the New York Giants?  They came out 5-0 and many had predictions of them going 7-0 or 8-0 before losing.  So much for that.  At 5-3, they, like some other NFC teams, are now searching for an identity.  They are juggling multiple identities right now.  Fans need to show them some Big Love.

9. Cincinnati Bengals – I almost wrote Cincy off as a pretender after losing at home to Houston a couple of weeks ago.  Beating Chicago 45-10 went a long way in keeping me from doing that.  They may be for real and also no longer a punchline for Law & Order.

10. Houston Texans – Here is another team for real.  Once left for dead after losses to the Jets and a tough loss they should have won in Arizona, they have reeled off three straight wins and are in the wild-card hunt once again.  Beat Indy on Sunday and they should be included in everyone’s playoff discussions.  If I were in Houston, I’d be shouting for Glee this week at 5-3 and most definitely next week if they go 6-3.

11. Arizona Cardinals – I only place the Cards so high still because they have the talent to be in the top 10 all season.  They too are still searching for an identity.  They are lucky to be in the NFC West quite honestly.  They need to prove to doubters they can handle success and win on a consistent basis and separate themselves from the rest of the division.  Just Lie to Me and tell me everything will be ok.

12. Dallas Cowboys Tony Romo has found a WR he can rely on, Miles Austin.  So what if he isn’t on the same page as Roy Williams yet.  They are winning and that’s all that matters.  He should stop his bickering, but it sure is fun to hear and watch.  Reminds me of a Modern Family.

13. Atlanta Falcons – Yet another team we ask ourselves, who are they? Don’t forget about them though.  Matt Ryan and company aren’t going away and will stay in the hunt for the wild card all season long.  Too bad they are in the same division as New Orleans.  Until they can beat New Orleans and win consistently, you will need to Curb Your Enthusiasm.

14. Philadelphia Eagles – Last week’s win over the Giants was impressive.  I still can’t bring myself to rank them any higher yet though because they lost to Oakland.  OAKLAND!! They need to win a few more games against their division foes and they’ll be movin’ on up like The Jeffersons.

15.  Green Bay Packers – How many more times does Aaron Rodgers need to be laid out before he suffers a serious injury?  Hopefully he doesn’t get hurt, however he needs better protection.  Hopefully all that lying down on the turf will make him become like Walter White of Breaking Bad.

16. Chicago Bears – Facing a tough test this week against Arizona, who is 3-0 on the road.  Arizona gave up 270 yards rushing to Carolina last Sunday after leading the NFL in rushing defense.  Is this Matt Forte’s homecoming game this season? Maybe he’s been hiding somewhere this season away from the football field acting as a secret agent like NBC’s Chuck.  It could explain a lot.

17. San Diego Chargers Philip Rivers takes his show to the team that didn’t want him, the New York Giants.  If they want to get back in the AFC West race, it needs to start this week.  San Diego has the chance to stay in the race and be a Survivor, or lose and make it tough to even make a run at a wild-card spot.

18. Carolina Panthers – Did the Panthers wake up too late last week in Arizona to make a serious wild-card run?  They could be just another Parks and Recreation team disguised as an NFL team.

19. New York Jets – Still can’t figure out the Jets.  Whatever team they want to be, they have the bye week to think about it.  Maybe take some time away from football and head on over to 30 Rock to relax.

20. Miami Dolphins – Ever since quarterback Chad Pennington went out for the season in San Diego, this has been a very good team, minus one bad half against the New Orleans Saints.  Coincidence?  Only a case that can be taken on by CSI: Miami.

21. San Francisco 49ers – Almost pulled off the upset in Indy.  Frank Gore showing no ill-effects of his injury.  Should pull out another win this week against Tennessee.  If they do, might pull into a tie in the NFC West, making the division The Amazing Race of the NFL.

22. Jacksonville Jaguars – No one cares.  Another local blackout this weekend for the Jags.  They have become The Forgotten.

23. Buffalo Bills – Bye week comes at a good time for the Bills after a blowout loss against Houston.  They do nothing exciting.  They couldn’t even beat Cleveland this season at home.  When I watch, I’m Bored to Death.

24. Seattle Seahawks – They released Edgerrin James this week.  That’s the only big news coming out of Seattle this week and that should be a good thing.  This team looking more like a M*A*S*H unit.

25. Washington Redskins – How will they score in Atlanta?  They won’t.  I love the laugh though at the dysfunction going on with the play calling carousel. Makes me laugh as hard as an episode of The Family Guy as crazy as things have gotten in D.C.  Now former Skins great John Riggins says owner Daniel Snyder has a dark heart.  No holding back now.

26. Tennessee Titans –Well, the 1 game win streak was nice.  Vince Young should have been made the starting quarterback much earlier though.  Off to San Francisco to continue the losing ways. Most likely just can’t wait to Flashforward to next season already.

27. Kansas City Chiefs – Might have a chance to win this week.  It’s in Jacksonville.  Mark this down as the yawner of the week though.  Having a tough time scoring points like many teams.  Time to crunch some Numb3rs.

28. Oakland Raiders – Bye week.  Might be a good time for head coach Tom Cable to resign? Get help?  Story here is enough to make you mental.  Maybe a visit to The Mentalist?

29. St. Louis Rams – Coming off their first win of the season against Detroit.  They can’t lose this week with the bye week in place.  They’ll get back to losing next week.  At least they can no longer say they are The Biggest Loser.

30. Cleveland Browns – Here is another dysfunctional team that no one watches.  No offense.  NBC’s Southland was like that.  No one watched and no one cared that it went away.  Would you care if coach Eric Mangini and the Cleveland Browns went away?

31. Detroit Lions – I rank Detroit 31 only because they have a win and beat the Redskins.  The Bucs are winless and lost to the Skins.  However after last weekend’s loss to St. Louis, they should be canceled, just like NBC’s Trauma.

32. Tampa Bay BuccaneersThe Jay Leno Show.  Absolutely the worst.  You’re better off watching reruns of past seasons.  Wait, that’s exactly what viewers are doing now to Leno.  Leno is losing out to re-runs.  I’m also noticing a trend here with NBC.  It’s no coincidence that that bottom of the rankings have NBC shows compared to these teams.  NBC is currently last as well.